On my due date, having had no progess of labor, I went to the doctor and discovered that my Leila Grace had her head in my ribs and was quite content to stay put, despite my wishes. (Shades of things to come ...) Sparing you lots of tearful details, we chose to schedule a C-section for a week later. Despite this being polar opposite of my plan, it was kind of nice to know when and how I would meet my daughter for the first time (especially after the chaos of the previous months, being so worried she would arrive when we were still homeless and jobless). March 1st, the night before her arrival, there was no way I would be able to sleep, so I curled up on the sofa in the perfect, still night - the calm before the wonderful storm - and wrote these words:
* * *
"For mother's sake the child
Was dear, and dearer was
The mother for the child."
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Dear Leila Grace,
Tomorrow morning will hold the biggest and most important moment of my entire life. A moment that can never be duplicated or equalled in its magnitude and importance - never. It will be the first time I get to see your sweet face, to hold you, and to watch your father do the same. Here on this eve of your birth, there is so much I want to say - feel like I should say. But my heart and my head are so full that I can't organize any of the words.
I could map out for you all that led me here, all that your father and I have been through since that night in late June when he opened the box that held the proof of your existence (oh, how he cried with such joy!). I could tell you every detail, every thought, every worry, every prayer that brought me to this night, with all these butterflies in my stomach, unable to sleep. But these are not the most important things. And you may sift through my journals one day and find it all out for yourself. I hope that if you do that you will see it as a testament to the truth that even before I knew you, God knitted and formed you in my womb. HE knew you. He loved you so much that He provided for your every need and protected and nurtured you, as He protected and nurtured your parents, so that we could all meet on this most special of days. I hope that you will know how faithful and good He is; how perfect His timing and plans. These are things I hope you will learn whether or not you read what I've written, as I know that God has His own plan for your life and how He will reveal Himself to you. Yet, as important as all that is, that is still not what I want to tell you tonight.
Tonight, I just want to tell you that I am frightened. That I have no idea what to expect, even though I've researched and planned and prepared for you more than I've ever done for anything before! But I guess life with me will be new to you, too - so maybe we can learn together.
I want to tell you how much I have loved having you inside me. In the beginning, as each week went by, counting the inches you were on my ruler in my office and imagining you floating around in there - graduating in size from a nut to a full-fledged piece if fruit! It felt like such a victory! And then the moment, after so much waiting, that I finally felt the flutter of you. The proof that this hadn't all been an elaborate dream. Ah, and then when your daddy could feel it, too ... that was almost better. And as you grew and grew, so did your kicks and movements, to the point where your dad and I would lay in bed and watch you dance. Though your movements now seem more frustrated - no doubt for your lack of space - they still comfort me to no end, as they tell me that all with you is well and just as it should be. I will miss the sensation of you being such an intimate part of me, no matter how awkward it sometimes felt. But I am sure that when I get to hold you and see you and smell you, I won't miss what used to be so much anymore.
And I want to tell you how honored and blessed I am to be your mother. That you are the greatest gift, aside from the grace of God, that has ever been given to me. That out of everything that I have seen in my life, you are the most beautiful and precious. That out of all that I have done and accomplished, out of all the accolades, YOU are the greatest reward. That I would give my life for you, and gladly. And that there is nothing you can do that would ever change any of that. I know all of this with all of my heart - even though I don't yet know YOU! So imagine how that list will grow when I finally do.
So, my sweet girl, tomorrow we will meet. You will turn my world upside down. And I will never again be any happier than I will be at that moment. Thank you for being mine.
Love always,
Mom
Was dear, and dearer was
The mother for the child."
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Dear Leila Grace,
Tomorrow morning will hold the biggest and most important moment of my entire life. A moment that can never be duplicated or equalled in its magnitude and importance - never. It will be the first time I get to see your sweet face, to hold you, and to watch your father do the same. Here on this eve of your birth, there is so much I want to say - feel like I should say. But my heart and my head are so full that I can't organize any of the words.
I could map out for you all that led me here, all that your father and I have been through since that night in late June when he opened the box that held the proof of your existence (oh, how he cried with such joy!). I could tell you every detail, every thought, every worry, every prayer that brought me to this night, with all these butterflies in my stomach, unable to sleep. But these are not the most important things. And you may sift through my journals one day and find it all out for yourself. I hope that if you do that you will see it as a testament to the truth that even before I knew you, God knitted and formed you in my womb. HE knew you. He loved you so much that He provided for your every need and protected and nurtured you, as He protected and nurtured your parents, so that we could all meet on this most special of days. I hope that you will know how faithful and good He is; how perfect His timing and plans. These are things I hope you will learn whether or not you read what I've written, as I know that God has His own plan for your life and how He will reveal Himself to you. Yet, as important as all that is, that is still not what I want to tell you tonight.
Tonight, I just want to tell you that I am frightened. That I have no idea what to expect, even though I've researched and planned and prepared for you more than I've ever done for anything before! But I guess life with me will be new to you, too - so maybe we can learn together.
I want to tell you how much I have loved having you inside me. In the beginning, as each week went by, counting the inches you were on my ruler in my office and imagining you floating around in there - graduating in size from a nut to a full-fledged piece if fruit! It felt like such a victory! And then the moment, after so much waiting, that I finally felt the flutter of you. The proof that this hadn't all been an elaborate dream. Ah, and then when your daddy could feel it, too ... that was almost better. And as you grew and grew, so did your kicks and movements, to the point where your dad and I would lay in bed and watch you dance. Though your movements now seem more frustrated - no doubt for your lack of space - they still comfort me to no end, as they tell me that all with you is well and just as it should be. I will miss the sensation of you being such an intimate part of me, no matter how awkward it sometimes felt. But I am sure that when I get to hold you and see you and smell you, I won't miss what used to be so much anymore.
And I want to tell you how honored and blessed I am to be your mother. That you are the greatest gift, aside from the grace of God, that has ever been given to me. That out of everything that I have seen in my life, you are the most beautiful and precious. That out of all that I have done and accomplished, out of all the accolades, YOU are the greatest reward. That I would give my life for you, and gladly. And that there is nothing you can do that would ever change any of that. I know all of this with all of my heart - even though I don't yet know YOU! So imagine how that list will grow when I finally do.
So, my sweet girl, tomorrow we will meet. You will turn my world upside down. And I will never again be any happier than I will be at that moment. Thank you for being mine.
Love always,
Mom
2 comments:
BEAUTIFUL!!!!
Thank you for reading, Kristie!
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